Confusion

That's the only word i can use to sum up my feelings today.

I have had such a nice day with Chantelle. She went and got her hair and nails did (that grammar is just my gangster showin' through!) and her brows waxed. We just had quite a girly day and it was quite smiley.

but i kind of feel a bit weird today.

There was a revelation from my sister last night. A big one.

It hasn't bothered me that much though. I mean, it's taken me by surprise but it hasn't HURT like it probably should. I am confused by the fact that i am not upset about it all.

I feel like the only way i could possibly show you the level of confusion i feel today is to post my intake. I wont. But that's like the only way i could show you. I came home and felt a hole. A hole i have just tried to fill with food. A hole that...

i don't know...

I am just scared. Scared of this bloody relationship. Worried about everything in my life.

I love that i am in a relationship and that he is so lovely. I love that. I really do.

I hate that this relationship has to have an eating disorder in the middle of it. I hate that he can't do certain things like stroke my stomach, kiss me after eating...just all this random stuff. I can't eat with him. He can't cook for me. I can't do all of this shit and i want to!

But then i am so scared because by doing this stuff, i will never be thin

Ugh. I am gay