I don't know if i can string a proper post together because i feel so drained so just bear with me on this one.
As you know, i was not planning on going to my ED appointment today and was undecided about my CPN appointment. In short, i had an awful night. There was a terrible moment, which i can't be bothered to go in to because i can't be arsed with lectures and stuff but basically, i knew i needed to go to the appointment. I have been having a lot of physical effects and la-dee-dah. I arrived to see my CPN and was fifteen minutes late because i had forgotten my sanitiser so had to piss around going to buy some before i could even think about going anywhere else. Hayley was lovely. She is really nice. One of the nicest CPN's I'd say i have ever had. For now ;)
I sat down and she was asking how things were. I told her my mood seems quite stable. She then asked about my eating disorder and bam. I told her. Let's just say she kinda gave me a nudge to go to my ED appointment. She said she would take me to try and make things a bit easier for me. She's SO lovely, man. So lovely.
So i got up there. Andrea (my ED worker) came down and Hayley came in quickly. Basically, she explained that things are really bad and yeah...it just helped because it eased me in. I was so anxious but yeah, whatevs.
Then, Hayley left. I spoke to Andrea about all the physical things and she said she's worried. She's pushing forward with me getting my ECG. She wants me to have a full physical with a consultant and she did my BP. BP was okay but my pulse was fucked. That could be down to the nerves though...
She also told me that my CBT starts next week. NEXT WEEK!
I am terrified.
After seeing Andrea, i went to meet Lucie. I didn't buy much. Just a lipstick from Mac and that's about it. I am just having a sit down because i feel rough as feck. I need to put all the shopping away but i can't be bothered.
SO tired. And drained. Unbelievably drained right now.
I want to be cocooned, please. I am scared. And i don't even know if i can do this...
Taking you on a journey through my life and documenting the triumphs and trials that come hand in hand with having an eating disorder. Hopefully, one day i will be able to look back on this and see just how far i have come.
You can do this.
ReplyDeleteAnd you need to do this.
And you are being offered support and treatment that few receive (that isn't to make you feel bad, it is a reality. So little help is offered t those out there. And I am in no way saying you don't deserve it, just sometimes we forget how lucky we are to have help!)
That aside...
The concern is great.
The laxative abuse etc etc will be damaging, let alone the other behaviours, especially your heart, so that is good they are having you physically assessed.
You CAN do this.
You can xxxx
I'm not saying I won't do it. I'm saying I'm doubting myself and I am scared. Really really scared. :/
ReplyDeleteI know you can do it. xxx
ReplyDeleteTry not to be scared, there's plenty of us around if you need us. You only need to ask :)
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about why you're terrified about the CBT? It is so much more constructive than seeing a counsellor.
Think positive
xxx