Saturday, 30 April 2011

Ahh. So considerate of my Mum to invite me to a birthday meal i wont be able to eat at.
Nice of the offer but she could have thought of something else to include me in.

eurgh

You know what? no. I am editing this.
I am not mad with my Mum at all. I am fucking mad that i let this eating disorder take hold of my life again, influence my family relationships, control what i am allowed to do and just take a shit on me.
I am annoyed that i didn't fight. I am annoyed that i am not really fighting now. And i am annoyed that i am saying i am annoyed, and doing fuck all to alleviate this feeling.
Annoyed seems to be the word of the day today.

I wish i could make my brother's birthday so so special. I wish i could go out, have a meal with them, have a drink with them, go home, sleep over and not have to plan my ED into a day so special.
My brother's 18th.

I will find it hard to forgive my eating disorder for taking so much again but i find it even harder to forgive myself for letting this happen.

Tool.
Posted by Charlene Sparkles at 00:42

3 comments:

  1. Sia JaneSaturday, 30 April 2011 at 01:06:00 BST

    It's in you.
    I know right now, it feels it isn't.
    But it is in you.
    You could fight.
    Listen to the noise.
    Go to the meal, and all the while scream, fuck off to the ED thoughts.
    I know it is not as simple as that, but maybe, just maybe, for one night, you could.
    You could xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Charlene SparklesSaturday, 30 April 2011 at 01:10:00 BST

    Thank you Sia. Thanks for those words.
    I am going to mull it over tonight. Have a sleep (hopefully) and try to make a decision based on what i WANT to do and not what my ED wants to do. :)

    Thank you x

    ReplyDelete
  3. ChantelleTuesday, 3 May 2011 at 12:06:00 BST

    you made it very special
    xxx

    ReplyDelete

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