Milestone.

Lets just try to ignore the screwed up little finger. I did the top coat a tiny bit too early and it resulted in me smudging the yellow. You can hardly tell when you see it 'in real life' but my lovely little darling of a camera didn't want to fool you. Nasty camera!

I needed some 'me' time and so, in an attempt to try and cheer myself up, i decided to try to do something to distract myself.

Distraction is the key to trying to help myself. That's one of the main things i have come to realise in the past couple of years.

More on that a little later...

The colours i used on these were:

'Sky' - Barry M Pale Blue

Lighter 'Grass' - A Marks & Spencer minty green nail colour. I don't know the shade. It came in a set of three or four pastel colours.

Darker 'Grass' and Stems' - Barry M Spring Green

'Daisy Petals' - OPI Alpine Snow

Centre of the daisies - OPI Need Sunglasses?

Top Coat - OPI Rapid Dry TopCoat.

I kind of like how they turned out. Very Spring-y. They're the kind of nails that i know i am going to look down at and smile from time to time. Very sweet :)

I have been doing so much thinking this past couple of days - thinking about all of the torture i give myself and the way i think about things. I am quite a pessimist and i take no shame in admitting that. I often do look on the darker side of things but i kind of think it is a healthy level of pessimism. Also, there is a fine line between being a pessimist and being depressed. I sometimes find it hard to distinguish where one ends and the other begins but am trying to take a more optimistic outlook. Don't get me wrong, i will never stop moaning. I am a moaner. Deal with it. However, i want to be able to think 'One day i will be better from this' rather than living in this self-made land of doom and gloom and having such a defeatist attitude about everything. I want to think about my life free of eating disorders and depression. Although that seems like a million miles and years away, i like to imagine what it will be like. Sometimes, my eating disorder and depression clouds my ability to be able to look further than the here and now and making this conscious effort to look forward can only be a good thing. It's not going to be easy but it can't be any worse than the way i have been.

Part of this positivity has got to be found in looking back. I know we should always look forward and not dwell on the past but sometimes, looking back is the only way we can truly recognise the movement we have made. I am not under any illusions that my ED is bad and in a very different place to the one it was at a few years ago but there are also some positives. You could argue that old behaviours have been replaced with this but let me assure you that that is definitely not the case.

There was a time a couple of years ago where i self harmed daily. I would do such destructive behaviours and not think anything of it.

I find some shame in the number of overdoses i took. At the time, i could not admit this but i can truly admit it now. Those overdoses were my way of screaming that something wasn't right and of hurting myself. I would say i wanted to die because i didn't want the 'attention seeking' line that people tend to like throwing around. There were times at my lowest ebb where i really did want to die and my god i tried my damnedest to end my life but there was always something keeping me here - making me call for help...

I am so lucky to have the family that i have. SO lucky. With all of the crap they went through with me from the hospital at 14 to attempts to take my own life, attitude problems, hurting them...They stuck with me. I wouldn't have stayed with me if i were them. I am so blessed to have such a persevering family.

The basic point of this is:

I have come a long way

and even though things are crap right now and have gone down in so many ways, things are also different in others.

It has been a year since i last self harmed.

That's what triggered this thinking...