Annoyance.

Today has been one of those types of days where everything that could possibly annoy me, has done so.

I started off feeling kind of positive. Granted, i felt ill but it was okay. I wasn't feeling too down to function but was experiencing an elevated level of anxiety about my appointments next week. I wont lie to you - i came ever so close to cancelling. However, i decided it would be a much better idea to call and try to speak to either my ED nurse or my CPN/Social worker. Good girl, Lil-Dawg! Pat on the back :)

I started with calling my CPN and got through to the main office and asked if she was in today. She's ill. Not her fault, i know, but annoying nonetheless.

I didn't give up. I needed to get this shit out of the way so i could alleviate some of this horrible tension to a more manageable level. I called my ED nurse. The lovely receptionist lady answered in her normal cheery tone and told me that Andrea is away on a training course for the week and wondered if she could help. I just blurted out that i am having a lot of trouble with people seeing me at the minute and that i was wondering if i might be able to have a telephone appointment instead of coming in to the clinic. The receptionist said that she couldn't see this being a problem but would get Andrea to give me a call on Monday to confirm (and possibly try to convince but we shall see...)

Now, i know that it's not their fault that they're both not in at the same time but it just feels like this is what always happens and it just annoys me. I could have just done with a chat. You know when all you have heard is the repetitive destructive ED for weeks and you kind of need to just sound off and gain some sort of middle ground where you can kind of function again? Well, that's how i feel. I don't want someone lecturing me on how i need to stop all of these behaviours or i might die because that just doesn't help me but i could really do with someone who is on the outside, maybe offering some positive advice on ways i could try and manage a bit better without taking this sort of laxative intake and self loathing as being a norm.

I know how dangerous laxatives and eating disorders are. I truly do. I just am finding it really hard to accept that i fit in to any of those 'dangerous' categories. I wont go in to detail because i can't be bothered (lol) but basically i am in the whole 'too fat to be at risk' frame of mind right now. I can recognise dangers in every other person but 'it will never happen to me'. This is probably working rather a lot to my disadvantage (de Nile is not just a river in Egypt) but i guess it is one of the coping strategies i have aquired in the past year or so...

Today has been the normal ill sort of day. Old news really.

Tomorrow, i am seeing my friend and i think we're just going to go shopping. Well, i will watch her shop and try my hardest not to buy anything seeing as how i am major skint (phone bill week - sad times). I will get to spend some time with Annabella though, which is much needed. She helps me to be out so much. I wish i could just carry her around in my pocket all the time. When i play with her, its like we are in our own little bubble. I would never miss an appointment if i had her in my pocket! :)

Tonight, i needed a little bit of cheering up so i bought a new blusher. The Mac site has put up the Quite Cute collection early and i wanted to land me the gorgeous mineralise blush in Miss Behave. Its so cute. I love it. I have decided to try this new thing where i only buy things from the collections that i am actually going to use, instead of buying stuff just because they look nice or because i know they will sell out and i want to own them so that i can say that i do (yes. i am really that cool). The little beauty should arrive on Thursday if i am lucky. I really hope that it does because if it arrives on Friday then i am going to be out all day and it will have to go back to the bloody DHL depot so they can arrange redelivery. I get so bloody frustrated when i miss the delivery van. GRAWR.