Struggling...

Things are really strange right now. I am in a whirlwind of self hatred and ridiculous routine and i don't know how to stop it.

Im doing that stupid thing where i tell myself that 'i dont have a problem' because i am eating so much. I am meant to mainly restrict these days but all i seem to do is eat. I haven't weighed myself in ages because the body checks are scaring me to such an extent that i know that having a number is going to push me completely over the edge. Its scaring me.

I have an eating disorder. That is obvious. I can accept that. But i don't know what eating disorder i have anymore. I am terrified of calories. To the point of wanting to make myself sick if i so much as think i have swallowed a bit of toothpaste but then i can't stop eating too. It makes no sense. Everything just contradicts everything else.

And i am getting on my nerves. I don't know what to do.

And i feel like stopping all contact with the ED unit. I am not even sure why i am going there anymore. I have an appointment with the dietician again on Tuesday but i am thinking i should just cancel it. What use is seeing a dietician when all i do is fucking shovel food in anyways at the minute. I got 'back on track' (yes, thats the ed talking there) for a couple of weeks but now i am back in this fucking spiral of restrict, then binge, restrict, then binge. Every fucking day. What the hell is wrong with me?

Fuck sake.

- - -

This weekend is going to be nice/nasty. I have Saturday where i am going to be doing the normal ED rubbish during the day and then my friend is coming over in the evening. We're going to be watching Despicable Me and Casualty. I've seen DM before but haven't seen it since watching it at the cinema so it will be nice to see again. Such a lovely film :)

Then, I am PRAYING that Sunday is different.

I have eaten more calories today than i have done in months. And in such a short space of time as well.

My stomach is hurting and i can't even get up.

I have just had to brush my teeth just to stop me eating even more food.

I am in so much pain

for fuck sake.

My house is a fucking constant pity party man.