Saturday 7 February 2015

Will you ever be ready?

There has been radio silence on this blog for ages now and to be honest, its been so long that I've been afraid of posting and i don't even know why. Shit has been going down in the past year or so; too many hospital admissions to even count, one lasting for 6 months. On the cards now is a long-term (in my eyes) 6-9 month stay at The Retreat in York. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS. When will i ever be ready? That question is a valid one and i can see why people would want to put that to me- to make me think about what is going on now and what i am doing and whether i am ever going to be ready enough for this to happen, thin enough, motivated enough... At first this question sent my head in to a spin and i guess it had the desired effect because it made me think long and hard about what makes me ready for something like this. But then, i started to look back on my past specialist eating disorder admissions and i realised that yes, i have felt ready before. Hell, sometimes, i have even felt excited about an admission because of what it means to me and could possibly do to my life. Right now, my head is in the eating disorder zone and nothing can break through that barrier right now. I don't think my family and friends steamrolling in on a tank would do the blindest bit of difference which many would consider to be a reason why i need help right now and i don't need to wait another (x) months...until things are worse and ...well, i don't know. All i know right now is that i am not ready and nothing anyone can say or do is going to change that for now. So please, i beg, just accept that for now. Be there for me when i need you and encourage me, heck, even try and motivate me if you want but please don't make me feel like I'm backed in to a corner. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that i have. My sister's unwavering support and encouragement is priceless and practically indescribable. My Dad is trying his damned hardest to understand and i appreciate that so much. I am lucky. So, SO lucky. So, thank you

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