*could trigger*

I am going to put this post under one of those cut things because i don't want to trigger anybody.

It's 7am and i have been up since just after 4. Its not that i couldn't sleep as such, its just that ive been doped up on sleeping pills since Sunday night because it was the only way i could function. I managed two hours out of bed yesterday. Two hours. I haven't been dressed in days because i can't cope with wearing anything other than pyjamas. Even they are horrible.

Its 7am and i have just eaten half a bag of fucking rice. And you can guess what happened afterwards. Yes. Purged.

So its 7 in the morning and my day has already started off with a binge and a purge.

I gave up as well because i could hardly get anything up. I ended up collapsing in to a heap on the floor just punching my stomach. It was such a 'hollywood' moment, its sickening.

And today is going to do my head in.

I want to see my friend this week because i didn't see her last week. I was opening up to her last night about all the shit going on and she was so sweet. I was the most honest i have been to anybody recently and she really did listen. It was all done over text and i just...i just told her.

I get scared that i will trigger her because she has a history of Anorexia and she does still struggle with a lot of things now like body image and stuff but i just couldn't hold it in yesterday. She seemed fine with it though. I agreed to meet her today.

This is going to make me sound like a bitch now but when she asked when i wanted to meet her, i told her i would meet her today because i've run out of laxatives and need to go and get some. I didn't actually tell her that but she knows. We normally meet at 11 but i asked if we could meet at 12 because i need to go to Boots.

In truth, i am planning on going to six or seven different chemists. Simply because i am having such trouble with leaving the house and because i need this weight away from me. You're only allowed to buy 100 lax at a time per chemist so i have to spread it out throughout all of Sheffield.

Eurgh

So ill be meeting her and her little girl and we will have a nice time, i hope. I just wish i could be there without physically being there. I love them both with all of my heart. I really do have complete adoration for the pair of them and i just...i hate that this is always there. I just want to be able to go and run around and be stupid and just have fun. Instead, i am always holding my bag in a certain way to hide my legs or avoiding mirrors and getting teary when people are 'looking at me'.

I find it hard to hold a conversation with someone because i literally can't take how i can feel my stomach hanging over my body control tights or how i can feel my thighs flapping together...

Today is going to be hard as fuck

I actually wrote that i want to die in my journal last night. You know what though? I don't want to die at all. I just am sick of living through this. I can't believe that, this time a couple of years ago, i was happier. I can't believe i would go out for meals, see friends three or four times a week, do my work with MIND, go out clubbing, wear nice clothes, be happy to just throw something nice on and actually kinda like what i saw in the mirror.

You can tell as well. I remember taking this picture and being conscious of not getting too much leg in it but thats only because i have such a big thing about my legs.

I had just had my hair done and had my new jacket on. A small sized jacket. A small sized pair of shorts. I remember because it was a big thing. The things i wore fit and i liked that they fit. They showed my figure and i was kinda starting to like it a bit, you know? Like, wanting to feel feminine and stuff.

Now, i can't think of anything worse. I wear clothes with size tags like 'XXL' and hand knitted Aran jumpers that have no size but i stretch them anyways. The only things i buy from 'normal' shops are my body shaping tights and the jumpers i get from shops like Evans in size 32 or 36.

I literally can't cope with sizes. .I hate them so much.

BUt then i think it is just more a fear of what size i would be...

i fucking hate this fucking body, basically.

And i don't want to be in it anymore. i literally just want to slice it all off. and i wont lie, i have contemplated doing it. it doesnt work, i know that from experience but i just need it all gone. GET IT OFF ME! fuck sake.