Maggots.

What an appointment i had this afternoon! Let me tell you, it was one of them ones where I really wish that the TV cameras were there. I needed it documenting.

I went for my checkup appointment thing at the Burns Unit place. I was left in the waiting room for about ten minutes, taking the piss out of the shit on the tv. It was that 60 Minute Makeover thing and this girl was getting an Alice In Wonderland themed room. I bet she just had the DVD on her bedside drawers or summat. I am not shitting you - it was vile. SO OTT. And her room wasn't big enough to swing a cat (trust me, i know how big a room has to be). They gave her black and white vinyl tiles, red walls and what can only be described as some half-arsed 'artistic' excuse for a mural. A stick on one, nonetheless. Now, i am sure the little girl smiled and she nodded but i doubt she felt very relaxed in there. What do they say about the bedroom? Use the bed just for sleeping? Well, i doubt she would get very much sleep when she was trippin' after staring at those floor tiles for too long. She'll be in the nuthut this time next week!

I got called through to a room and I left my support worker, Kim, (yes. I now have a nurse that can accompany me to things-like a real sick person and evryfinn) in the waiting room. I thought my luck was in and that i would be in and out more times than a prostitutes knickers. You know what i mean. I thought i'd be fast. Well, they left me sat in there for ages. I could hear them just at the other side of the door. They had brought me through a main door but then there was like...a spare one(?) and i could hear a load of people talking. I found out that the doctor went to a fancy dress party for Halloween and that he went as a zombie doctor. So original, eh? Don't even get me started on this zombie fetish that is going on right now. Everyone just seems to have stocked up on fake blood and white facepaint this Halloween. Insert 'zombie' before whatever you are, splat some 'blood' on yourself and you think your God's gift to the ghoulies.

I was waiting in that fucking room for about twenty minutes, listening to some muffled conversations in the secret room. Then, i heard them talking about me and they were wondering how the hell i had managed to do what i had done earlier in the year and talking about pain things and stuff. I could hear what they were saying and i could write it down if i wanted, but i can't be arsed. It's not like they were saying owt bad, it was just really ignorant and kinda annoying.

They came in, gave it the once over and had a little fondle and then they went on their way. They left me with an Occupational Therapist who is talking about some sort of sleeve thing that i would have to wear 24/7. It would apparently reduce scarring and redness. The doctor is writing me a prescription for something he described like this,  'It has oats in it. Like, real oats? As in oats you have in porridge. I have no idea how it works but it does. Nobody understands why it works but it stops the itching and i love it'.

He got really passionate about this ready-brek cream so it must really be very good. Plus, he has no idea how it works or why it works. Basically, i loved his explanation of it because it makes me think it is just a magic cream. It has magic in it and that is why it is befuddling all of the doctors. Makes me smile to think of a load of doctors walking around, scratching their heads with pensive looks on their faces.

On the way out, i spoke to the receptionist and i had to give her my little piece of paper. Its just a tick list of what i have had done and what they want to happen now. On the list, their are the normal things like 'wound bath' which means to clean out the wound and 'removal of stitches' which is pretty self explanatory, i think. Then, as you get further down the list, they get more interesting. Well, there were two interesting ones that i saw. I have seen them before but i am pretending that this is the first time because, after all, it was a completely different audience and truly was a spontaneous outburst on my part.

OH MY GOD. BOTOX? Tick Botox. Please God, give me botox! I want to look just like Victoria Beckham.

Receptionist: You don't need botox.

Kim: Can i get some as well please?

Me: BUT HOW WILL I EVER GET TO LOOK LIKE VICTORIA BECKHAM?

Receptionist: The pair of you don't need any botox. Victoria Beckham isn't pretty and she's too thin anyway!

Me: OH MY GOD. Are you calling me fat?

Receptionist: No. No. I erm, erm...I was just saying...

Kim: I think she was just saying that Victoria is erm...

Receptionist: Well, she's very thin. And she isn't that pretty.

Me: Now you're saying she's thinner than me? I can't believe you're saying i am not thin. oh my gosh. I am not fat. Thinner is not the winner. Thinner is not the winner.

Kim: Come on, Charlene. I think we've wound her up enough.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

On the way out, i started talking about maggots. I asked about them last time and i just like to be openly really gross so that i ...well, i don't know really. I guess it just gives me some sick sense of pleasure.

Kim was outraged at first but then i explained how i would love to do some stop motion stuff to see what actually happens.

Basically, the last time i was in, i asked if this was as it said. If they really used maggots in hospitals. They do. Apparently, they have to get special maggots and they cost an absolute fortune because they have to be insanely sterile. They put them on to the patient's wound and the maggot eats the dead tissue and then, when they come back to get the dressing changed, the maggot can sometimes be mah-ooooooh-seeev because it has basically been bingeing on the skin.

Enough to put you off yer dinner fo' lyf, aint it?!

Apparently, they grow up to 10mm long. BLEURGH.

Anywho, i walked through the hospital saying 'maggots' as loudly as i could. It was classic, classic tv time, 'cept it weren't on tv or owt. It was just all probably on CCTV. Story of my life.

Still, you probably had to be der. Trust me. I were der an it wa reet funi