"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know', Alice answered. 'Then', said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'"

Today, i swear i have seen my bathroom door more than i have seen anything else.

All i have done is run back and forth. I shat myself twice, cried once and went so dizzy on the way to the toilet that i fell in to the door. I had to sit down in the shower because i went dizzy as fuck and i have a funny feeling something might be slightly wrong. Not because of all of the above but because of something else.

I don't want to go in to it too much because i am thinking i am probably over-exaggerating things in my head and so i am going to see if it calms down before i say anything. Too many people read this for me to just whack out something and expect people not to worry about me and about the effects that this life is having on me right now.

Bloodyhell, i was thinking back earlier. I was only thinking back as far as the beginning of the year. I wasn't 'well' in the way that i WAS taking laxatives and i was bingeing on a daily basis and puking but, in my head, i would say i was healthier than i am now.

I remember New Year really well because i travelled down to spend a week with a really close friend. It was the first time we had met and so obviously it was all really exciting. Things were far from normal in that i was still very aware of myself and of hiding my body from everyone but, as bad as it felt then, it is nothing compared to now.

Now, i am in the house maybe 6 days a week. I am taking laxatives every single day, restricting what i eat and feeling the intense shame when and if i do have something. I am so consumed by this thing that i can't hold up a conversation. I can't leave the house some days. I can't look in the mirror. I can't wear anything that shows my figure. I can't wear old clothes because they scare me. I don't know what i am scared of anymore. I don't know what triggered this to come back so strongly

I don't know what it is going to take for me to stop this. For it to stop. Is it going to take me having some sort of heart attack? Losing part of my intestine? Pooing blood? Blood pressure problems? Fainting? Death? How fucking far am i actually going to let this go? Seriously?

I wish i knew the answer. Or maybe i do and it is the answer that i am so scared of.

Often, my sister wonders what is worse; Anorexia or Bulimia. I want to have an answer to the question but, in reality, they both feel like the worst when you're so in them that you don't see a way out but then when you are in the other side, you can't imagine feeling any worse. Does that make sense? Probably not.

Basically, right now, i am going to ignore the FEELINGS of my eating disorder because i know that they are going to be very dominant anyways, like always. And they are going to feel worse now because...well, just stick with me on this. I am finding it hard to articulate what i am trying to say. What i know to be true is that things, behaviour-wise, are worse than they have ever been. Ever.

I was thinking about things today and i was thinking about how stuck i feel and how obviously sad i am to be in this situation but i am holding on to it for dear life. I am still working to be thinner, because being thinner is going to make me happier, isn't it? No. No it is not. I just wish i could snap out of this mindset and in to some sort of healthier place. I wish i could say to myself that being thinner is not going to make me any happier. Well, i can say that to myself if i want to. Saying it is the easiest part. It's the believing part that i am struggling with.

How do i make myself believe something that is so foreign to everything that goes through my mind right now?

Even writing this i feel stupid because i am thinking 'what a load of shit. a fat girl can't say these things' but this is my blog and i can say whatever the fuck i want so i am riding this out. I need to get something down on ...not paper, but you know what i mean. I need to see the pixelated remains of my mushed up brain; to see it in front of my very eyes.

That's probably the question. Do you have to see something to believe it? Or do you have to believe in something before you can see it?