YoureLateForTea

I constantly moan and i don't ever tell you about the things in my life that actually keep me going. Sometimes, when you are in the grips of mental illness, you lose sight of the bigger picture and are purely concentrating on the here and now, the there and then. The larger picture scares you, it scares me. I am terrified of where i could end up and i am terrified of where i am now. I like to think about the things i have that are so important to me, but it is difficult when i am so low. I read things, and they touch my heart, pull on my strings and make me teary.

I know that being stuck in the here and now can be quite a problem, but we all need to think about the future at some point. Ignoring something, is never going to make it go away. And so, ignoring the future is just a stupid idea.
I look forward but then i have to cut off the vision, the imagination and the dreams. I don't dismiss them completely but looking forward really scares me. I am scared that this will never ever end. I am scared that Bulimia and Depression is all i am ever destined to be and that this is going to be the thing i am best at. I don't want to be known for my disorders, as such. I would love to look forward and to be able to imagine a time when i am in recovery, when i can be accepting of my body. I just...i am scared. I don't want this to be all that there is and all that i am.